Teetering on the Career-Family Tightrope?
Have you ever felt guilty because it seems like you are shortchanging everyone and everything? Shortchanging your family, your job and even yourself? Woman or man, it can affect anyone. I certainly have felt this way at times.
Some thoughts that might help you as you navigate balancing on the tightrope:
New parent compromises are worth it: Not all of us can have a mini-nursery in our office a la Marissa Meyer. The rest of us had to figure it out as we went along. The one thing I would say is, your life changes so enormously after you have a baby that ideally, you should change other things as little as possible. You need to first figure out how your life needs to adjust to accommodate a small but very demanding person, so ideally you should not change jobs or companies soon after your new baby happens. Give yourself time to get used to it before you change other stuff; stability is key.
Get a lot of help (and don’t apologize): It really does take a village. If you can afford it, get the nanny, get the cleaning lady, and do a lot of take-out. If you can’t, then remember a messy house is not the end of the world. If your mom or mom-in-law or aunt offers to help, take them up on the offer, even if they “always know what’s best” for the baby. Remember that when they are small, your kids are looking for affection and warmth and someone to feed them and wipe their tears. It’s OK that this person isn’t you some of the time.
Your spouse and you are both doing a LOT more than you used to: In addition to dealing with the day-to-day issues of your careers, both of you will have a mountain of new everyday stuff to deal with at home with the baby. It can result in each of you feeling resentful that you are doing so much more than you used to, and often makes you feel that this must mean your spouse is not doing enough. Cut yourself and your significant other some slack, take a deep breath, talk it over…they do grow up one day, though it sometimes feels like it’s taking a very long time.
Flexibility at work becomes really important: I took some months off from work when my son was around six, and I volunteered to be “pizza mom” at his school. One of the other kids went home in great excitement, declaring, “You know, Vik really DOES have a mom!” For me, it was a big “Aha” kind of moment. Work is important, but there are other things that matter too…like getting to know his friends, and being able to watch the school play, or stay at home to hold his hand when it hurts. Look to see how you can deliver what you need in your job, but still have time during the week to meet some of these personal commitments.
Teenagers need you even more: So your baby is growing up. You think, “finally he doesn’t need me as much. Great, I can focus on my career, no more dashing to the doctor, no more waking up at night.” Sure, they don’t need you every minute like your baby did. But make no mistake, the attention your teenager needs is much more personalized; when they need help, they need YOU. Make sure you have enough emotional energy at the end of the workday to spend time with your teen so you can hear and interpret the often disguised and subconscious cry for help, for advice, for solace.
No one said it would be easy. While staying home with your kids is a wonderful alternative for those who want to do so and can afford to do so, for some of us, the frustration and sense of sacrifice in having to “give up a career” could be so strong that, in fact, you wouldn’t be the better parent for doing so, and you would be doing your child no favors.
What do you think?
Originally published on LinkedIn